


I've never had a braincell and I don't plan on gaining one (cringe culture and god are dead only I remain)

by ughdotcom



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Don't copy to another site, Drugs, Gone wrong???????, I said mind palace as a Sherlock reference, Immortality, M/M, Marijuana, Multi, Neopronouns are made up words?, Nonbinary Character, Other, Social Commentary, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Jokes, Trans Male Character, Truth or Dare, boy have I got an interesting fact about all words, i don't know what they're smoking, i think, macarena through the writers block, technically I'm Evan Hansen, that's what they're smoking, then i realized that's a real thing in TS sides, this started off as crack and then it wasn't crack, this was Roman centric then it wasn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:21:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22012504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ughdotcom/pseuds/ughdotcom
Summary: There are certain levels of dumbassery one can be. Roman Creo has hit them all. Number one is falling in love with your best friends. Check. He’s been pining for his friends for nearly two millennia.Oh yeah.The other is accepting a blood pact with your best friends and your best friends’ siblings, and your sibling, that turned you all into immortal gods.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit Sanders (QPR) (implied), Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders (implied)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 62





	I've never had a braincell and I don't plan on gaining one (cringe culture and god are dead only I remain)

There are certain levels of dumbassery one can be. Roman Creo has hit them all. Number one is falling in love with your best friends. Check. He’s been pining for his friends for nearly two millennia.

Oh yeah.

The other is accepting a blood pact with your best friends and your best friends’ siblings, and your sibling, that turned you all into immortal gods.

You think your parents dying is hard? Imagine it when your irritating twin brother is still alive, and also he can never die, and neither can you.

He wasn’t able to hide the crush from anyone but his crushes though. Virgil Cura (god of storms and anxiety), Logan Stellae (god of books, astronomy and wisdom), and Patton Picani-Sanders-Spe (god of love, platonic and romantic) have all somehow not figured out about Roman’s hopeless, very obvious crush. But Dailyn Cura (god of lies and Virgil’s sibling), Thomas Picani-Sanders-Spe (god of hope and Patton’s brother), Remus Creo (god of horror and Roman’s brother), Remy Stellae (god of cats, sleep and coffee and Logan’s sibling), Emile Picani-Sanders-Spe (god of feelings, and Patton’s brother) and Nico (god of obsession and the mind and Logan’s sibling) could figure it out.

Right now they’re sitting in Logan and Nico’s palace. Oh yeah, they get palaces, how cool is that? They have to share them with their siblings though. It’s called the Mind Palace and it’s probably the best palace besides Roman’s. Nico has covered the place in little knickknacks that Roman isn’t sure xe didn’t steal, and Logan has put every one of these things in a vault.

Today Nico is forcing them all to watch a movie, and Logan is complaining.

“Chill, Lo.  _ Holes _ is the one movie as good as the book.”

“How?”

“Plus, you know us. We’ll just end up talking through it.”

Xe was true to xir word, and halfway through the first scene xe started complaining. “Today another person called me she.”

Dailyn nodded its head. “Oh I get that a lot, except he.”

Roman’s always loved about their little group. Sure, when they were human they couldn’t have been their true selves, but now? Nico uses whatever pronouns strike xir fancy and unabashedly loves women, Dailyn uses it/its pronouns and is aro/ace, Logan uses e/em and is pan, Virgil uses they/them and is gay, Remy uses they/they and he/him and is androsexual, Patton is an asexual homoromantic, Remus is aro/pan and trans, Thomas is gay, Emile is bi. Roman himself is pan and a trans man.

Gods have never been cishet. Any being flawed enough to rule humans can’t fit to specified gender roles.

Soon the movie is forgotten and Remus, Roman, and Dailyn are all high.

Nico, Virgil, Logan, Thomas, and Patton don’t do drugs and are content watching their friends make fools out of themselves.

“How about truth or dare?” Nico suggests, a small bit of mirth and trickery appearing in xir eyes.

Roman was pretty sure that that was a bad idea, but Dailyn was already nodding and threatening them with its lie-knowing powers.

“So Nico. Truth or dare.” Remy says.

“Truth.”

“Boring! Fine. Would you kill JK Rowling to save me?”

“You can’t die, Remy.”

“Fine. I’m getting tortured and you have to kill her to save me.”

“Aren’t you into that?”

Remy didn’t deny it and simply made the sound ‘?’ with his mouth.

“I would kill her without hesitation if I came face to face with her, you getting tortured or not, Rem.”

“Really?”

“JK Rowling is a straight up bitch. The bad kind.”

“There’s a good kind?” Logan asked and Nico nodded at em.

“Me, Remy, Roman, and Dailyn are the good kind. Virgil, truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“Show us how you get onto the fridge.”

Virgil let out a long suffering sigh and led them all to the kitchen, where they climbed onto the counter and then the fridge. “See? Not that hard.”

“Ah.” Nico said, and Roman knew that xe was planning to climb up there and scare Logan.

“Thomas, truth or dare.” Virgil said, jumping down and landing on their feet nimbly.

“Dare.”

“Eat a carrot.”

Thomas placed a hand on his chest and gasped dramatically before grabbing a baby carrot and eating it. “Good?”

“Yep.” Virgil said, popping the P.

“Roman truth or dare?” Thomas asked.

“Dare.”

Nico leaned over to Thomas and whispered in his ear and Roman, even in his high state, knew that he was now in trouble.

“Roman, tell your crushes that you like them.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Roman bullshitted badly. “I don’t have any crushes.”

“Even I know that’s bullshit, and I don’t have Dailyn’s fancy BS detecting powers.”

“Ha ha what?”

“Tell them or I do.”

“Nico no.”

“Nico yes bitch.”

The two had a small stare off that was somehow not any less imitating by the fact that Nico had to let xirself look away every so often.

“Fine.” Roman said, before turning to face Virgil, Logan, and Patton. “I have a crush on you three. Honestly, more than a crush. Like love. Sorry, and I'll leave now.” and before anyone could say anything Roman was gone, only a bit of red smoke left behind.

Logan ran a hand through eir hair, frustrated, before stalking off.

Patton disappeared in a poof of light blue smoke.

Virgil looked around, mildly panicked and then ran off, running through one of the cloud portals they could make.

Nico let out string of curse words, collected over the millenia “That… did  _ not _ go how I planned. Emile, go comfort Patton. Dailyn, Virgil. Remus, uhhhh try. Thomas, you can help Emile, but I doubt that Patton wants to see you right now. Remy, you’re coming with me.”

Over in Roman’s castle, the imagination he was sitting in the tallest tower (by a half inch), his room, painting, trying to distract or calm himself.

Green smoke filled the room and once it cleared Remus sat on Roman’s bed. “You ok?”

“What do you think?” Roman spat, and Remus sighed.

“Ok. Are you currently not on the verge of researching how to kill a god?”

“...I’m not gonna do… that.”

“That’s good.”

“Who’s… done that?”

“I think we all have at some point. I know Nico has a notebook, I think Virgil does too.”

“Oh.” Roman breathed. “God…”

“Yeah.”

“So. I’m sorry about what happened. Nico’s sorry.”

“Did xe say the words?”

“No…”

“Then how do you know?”

“The minute you all left xe started swearing and thinking about how to comfort y’all.”

“All?”

“Logan, Patton, and Virgil left too.”

“I’ve ruined it all, haven’t I?”

“Nah, they prob like you too.”

“How do you kill a god?”

“You don’t. You think some of us would still be here if we knew?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. So. You love them right? Like, this is way more than a crush?”

“So. Make some huge proclamation of love. You’re the god of creativity.”

“You don’t even know what love is.”

“Romantic love, no. But I know what I feel for you is familial love, and what I feel for the others is platonic love, and what I feel for Dailyn is some form of love. And those are still forms of love, so yeah, I know what love is, so go get those fucking idiots, bastard.”

“Ok!”

“But maybe wait till they’re comforted.”

“Good idea.”

Over in the Palace of Love, a name that Remy had made up and Emile had never been able to get rid of, Patton was trying to smother himself with a pillow.

Well not really. Maybe. Thomas wasn’t sure, but it’s not like it would have worked.

“Are you trying to kill yourself?” Emile asked.

“Yes, fuck off.”

So, Patton was upset. He only swore and made suicide jokes when he was upset. The rest of the gods made suicide jokes regularly, except for… well Thomas and Emile. And Roman, as established.

“Nuh uh.” Thomas said, carefully, removing the pillow. “Not allowed.”

“It’s not like I can die anyway.”

“Still. You… not bad?”

“Thomas.” Emile said. “He is very obviously not  _ good _ .”

“I’m fine.”

“No you aren’t.” the other 2 Picani-Sanders-Spe brothers chorused.

“Fine, I feel like shit because… I don’t know. One of my loves loves me, and my other two loves. Why am I upset?”

“We don’t know, so talk it out.”

“I’m upset because… because Roman looked upset about the fact, and Logan left, which makes me think e doesn’t feel the same.”

“And what makes you think that? E could just be overwhelmed, you know that happens. And Roman, he was probably upset because he was forced to tell you guys.” Emile said, laying it all, making Patton groan and flop back onto his bed.

“Heck, you’re right.”

“Heck.” Thomas mouthed at Emile with a grin.

Dailyn was trying to find Virgil.

Much like a cat, Virgil had several hiding places all over the Palace of Darkness. Dailyn had checked the whole first floor when it decided that this was a waste of time.

“Virgil!” silence “V!” nothing. Dailyn projected its voice to fill the whole palace “I know that you’re upset, but they all love you. I should know, they’ve all lied about it, and I know every lie. I know that you’re hiding, because you believe that they hate you, especially because they ran away, but they all love you. Roman was embarrassed, because he doesn’t know that you guys love him back, and Nico just made him admit his crush. Logan was overwhelmed. Too much emotion. You know that e’s autistic. Patton was probably distraught because Logan left. They all love you.”

“Really?” their voice was doubling on itself, like it did when they were anxious.

“Yes.”

“You aren’t lying, are you?”

“I might be the god of deceit, but Virgil, I swear to you on every fiber of my being that I am being honest.”

Virgil appeared in its arms. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Now lets talk about how you’re going to tell those bitches that you love  _ them _ .”

“Do we have too?”

“You want them to know, don’t you?”

“I guess.”

“Don’t you?” its voice was kind and inquisitive, careful to make sure it wasn’t making its sibling do something they didn’t want to do.

“Yes. It’s just scary.”

“Admitting that is the first step.”

“Do  _ not _ go Emile on me.”

A few minutes after the truth or dare fiasco Nico got up from xir silent panic attack and walked up to Logan’s room and knocked softly on the door.

“Can I come in?”

There was no answer.

“Are you nonverbal right now, or just mad at me? Once for nonverbal, twice for mad.”

Three knocks on wood.

“Yeah, I’d be pissed at me too. They all love you, you know? Once for yes, twice for no.”

One knock.

“Ok. Just feelings?”

Knock.

“Understandable. Do you believe in soulmates?”

Knock. Knock.

“Really? I do. Well, a bastardized version of it.” xe leaned on the wall and laughed. “Isn’t everything in our lives a bastardized version of shit? I believe that everyone has people who make you more… you. Familial, platonic, romantic, whatever. And those are your soulmates. Every single one of you guys are my soulmates, and I think it’s the same for you. Virgil, Patton, and Roman are simply romantic. Do you understand?”

Knock.

“Really? I didn’t think I was making sense. Should I wait till you can talk? Then I can give you my apologies and then try to set y’all dumbasses up, despite your protests? Because that’s what’s going to happen. Can I come in?”

Knock.

Nico waited for another knock but none came, so xe entered the room. “Hey. Should I talk to you till you feel better?”

Knock.

“Tell you a story?”

A knock, almost eager this time.

“Once there was a group of friends, and they were in the forest. The leader, who was a foolish child, knew where there was an abandoned cabin, and xe led the children to it. In the cabin there was a woman made of earth. She offered the children eternal life if the children opened their palms and gave the blood to her.

“That leader, named Nyx, was the first to go. Xe thought it was all a joke, and any excuse for a scar, any reason to bleed. Plus, if xe actually got eternal life, xe could study these feelings that they weren’t a girl.

“The second was xir sibling, Logan. E knew that this was stupid, but like xir, any excuse to bleed, any time to figure out why they didn’t like the gender given to them.

“The third was Dailyn, persecuted for its background, called names for being asian. It would live forever just to see these people die.

“The fourth was Dailyn’s sibling, Violet, a follower if there ever was. They did it because Dailyn did, and because they also wanted to bleed.

“The fifth and sixth were twins, Mireya and Maria. They competed in everything, so when Mireya stepped up to offer his blood for a love of blood, Maria stepped up to be as brave as his brother.

“The seventh was Patton, who wanted to bleed and bleed till he no longer existed where he was hated.

“The eighth was Emile, Patton’s brother, who would do anything to protect his brother.

“The ninth was Remy, Nyx and Logan’s sibling, who wanted to be with Emile forever.

“And the tenth, the last, was Thomas, the adopted sibling of Patton and Emile, feeling like a coward and left out.

“The woman of earth said ‘repeat after me’ and said ‘Once I was mortal, now I am not. Once I was a lowly human, now I rule the world. Once I was nothing, now I rule my proper domain. Her power, the power of the God that once was, flows into us. She is human now, and we are the gods’ the children repeated after her, and the earth started crumbling, leaving a woman, a human woman. ‘Thank you’ she said ‘I am no longer your god. My power is yours now.’

“The children thought nothing of it until the next day, when Virgil lied to their mom, and Dailyn, on the other side of town, heard them. And the next, when Patton tried to cut his wrists, and found, to his horror, he could not die. The children never grew old, and found their places were up in clouds.

“Now the leader, Nico not Nyx now, still looks 16. Xe is 1682 years old. Xir sibling, Logan still looks 15, e is 1681. Remy looks 14, and is 1680.

“They could become human again, but 10 humans would have to become immortal for each, and they cannot bring themselves to curse 100 humans to this horrid eternity.

“Humans think their god is merciful. They have no idea.”

“I don’t think you should deadname them.” Logan said when Nico was finished.

“What?”

“Yourself, Virgil, Remus and Roman. You shouldn’t deadname them.”

“No, I shouldn’t. You’re talking now.”

“Yes.”

“Do you feel better?”

“Somewhat.”

“Do you want to talk to them?”

“Not particularly.”

“Will you have a meltdown if you talk to them?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry.” Nico snapped xir fingers and Patton, Roman, and Virgil appeared. Another snap and xe was gone.

“Hey.” Roman says after a bit of silence.

“Hello.”

“Hi.”

“Sup.”

“I’m sorry. I know you probably don’t feel the same-” Roman starts, but Patton cuts him off.

“What makes you think I don’t love you back?”

“And me?” Virgil says softly.

“And me?”

“Because the chances of us all loving each other are…”

“Infinitesimal.” Logan said, using the word correctly, as e hadn’t  _ once _ and Patton wouldn’t let em live down. “But even infinitesimal things can happen, like us becoming literal gods, and look. It’s happened again. I love all three of you.”

“And I do too.” Patton said.

“And I.” Virgil says, their voice quiet, but still filling the room.

“So.” e said. “You, Roman Creo, are not only insanely wrong, but a fucking idiot.”

“Logan Stellae, Virgil Cura, and Patton Picani-Sanders-Spe will you all date me?”

“Yes. Roman Creo, Virgil Cura, and Patton Picani-Sanders-Spe, will you all date me as well?”

“Yes. Roman Creo, Logan Stallae, and Patton Picani-Sanders-Spe, can we just all be a big polyam relationship?”

Patton laughed. “Yes.” he giggled, and the others relayed his sentiment back.

When they emerged from the room, the other people were crowed around the door, not trying to hide the fact they had been listening at all.


End file.
